It is fairly common for me to be the last person in the office in the evenings. Our floor is locked after business hours and only people with passkeys can get off on our floor so it's really not creepy being alone on the floor at night (except for as a result of certain creeper janitors, but that's a story for another day). I do have to walk outside to a deserted parking garage to get to my car when I leave work, but even that isn't usually creepy and I do remain alert to my surroundings and try to avoid potentially dangerous situations when I walk to my car.
One evening when I was leaving work I summoned the elevator in our office. The elevator arrived and as I stepped inside, I was surprised to see someone already in the elevator. Because our office is at the top of the building, it is unusual for someone to already be in the elevator. But, there is a restaurant and bar in the building and it's not uncommon to find a tipsy restaurant patron riding up and down the elevator having trouble getting out of the building after an evening "out on the town." So I didn't think too much of the situation.
As soon as I stepped on the elevator, the man craned his neck to read the company sign on the office wall before the elevator doors closed. While he was doing this, I noticed that the elevator was permeated with the smell of body odor and that he looked quite unkempt and homeless. Then he proclaimed, "Oh, so this is where the ABC, LLC offices are located!" As though he had just discovered the location of the buried treasure. I thought to myself "Oh sure, like he's ever heard of us before." Then he turned to me and said, "Do you know Matt Paul." I was dumbfounded. Matt is one of the owners of ABC, apparently this guy was somewhat legit.
We chatted for a few seconds about Matt, and then the man informed me that Kenny Rogers was his dad. The fact that he wasn't bluffing about knowing of ABC made me think he might be credible on this count as well, especially since he had white hair and a white fluffy beard, a la Kenny Rogers. I commented to him that I could see the family resemblance.
Then he said, "What's your favorite Kenny Rogers song." I froze with a deer-in-the-headlights expression on my face, and said to myself, "think, think, think, can't you come up with at least one Kenny Rogers song?" Apparently, the answer was "no." The only reason I even know who Kenny Rogers is (he's a little before my time) is because I remember my grandmother watching the Kenny Rogers/Dolly Parton specials on TV (borrrrring!). So I responded to him, "Oh boy, that's a tough one," trying to imply that I like all the Kenny Rogers songs so well it's hard to pick just one. At this point, the elevator doors opened. There was no way I was going to let those elevator doors shut with me and this guy still on the elevator (despite the fact the he appeared to know Matt, I still got a creeper vibe from him). So I hopped off the elevator and he followed me.
I wasn't sure what to do next, but was certain that I wasn't going to head over to the deserted parking garage with this guy following me. So I decided to stop in the middle of the elevator banks to complete my conversation with Son-of-Kenny in a well-lit, fairly populated area.
Him: Okay then, just name one Kenny Rogers song.
Me: Oh boy, let's see. (awkward pause)
Him: How about "Buy Me a Rose?"
Me: Ohhhh, yes. That's a very good song. (I lie. If I've ever heard that song, I certainly don't remember it).
And then, standing in the elevator lobby, he begins belting out at the top of his lungs (even though I'm only standing three fee away) "He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants, three car garage, her own credit cards" as people heading to the restaurant pour in and out of the elevators. He's not phased, eyes fixated on me, singing, singing, singing. And, I stand there, awkwardly suffling my feet, trying not to make too much eye contact, as my gets hotter and hotter and redder and redder. When is this going to end?? Why is this the longest song in all of earth's history.
When he got to the end of the chorus after the first verse, he paused for a breath, so I took the opportunity to try to short circuit the performance. I clap as loud and as fast as I could and exclaimed "Wow, that was really great. You are a wonder--" but that's as far as I got as he began again with " He pulls in late to wake her up with a kiss good night, if he could only read her mind, she'd say..." and he continues on and on. After what seems like 30 minutes and 100 awkward stares from passersby, he finishes with "'Cause, I'm gonna make things right, for the rest of your life, and I'm gonna hold you tonight, do all those little things, for the rest of your life." I repeat my proclamations of praise and thanks and awe of his singing talents (he really was quite good), and quickly head away, making sure he wasn't following me. I arrived home without incident. The next morning I was excited to tell my coworkers about the experience because I knew I had just firmly and irrevocably established myself as the winner of the "weird elevator story contest." (For more about this contest, see here.)
The next morning, I called Matt to get the scoop on my elevator singer.
Me: Hi Matt. I met a guy on the elevator last night who said he knows you. I can't recall his name, but he told me that he is a Capricorn just like you and that his dad is Kenny Rogers and he sang me a Kenny Rogers song.
Matt: (nervous laugh) Oh yeah, he lived in Las Vegas for awhile and was a Kenny Rogers impersonator.
Me: So is Kenny Rogers really his dad?
Matt: No.
Me: Oh, okay. (Pause) Sooo, how do you know him?
Matt: He was a client of mine for a little while. Be careful of him though, he was convicted of a violent crime and only recently got out of jail.
Me: Got it. Thanks.
Now, I not only one the "weird elevator story consent," I now won the "creepest elevator story contest" too.
No comments:
Post a Comment